1/09/10 Update on P337. Let's Pray for Him!!!

I'm writing because several people have told me they would like to see an update and that writing would help me and maybe help others. So, OK. I write. I don't know where to start so I'll start with now. Today, January 9th, marks the fourth week since Timna passed into eternity. Four weeks since she died. For four weeks I've been without her. It hasn't gotten any easier. I still choke up when I try to talk about her. My chest hurts and I feel empty even as I write this. I've barely touched any of her things or even looked into her office/dressing room. The door has been closed almost all this time. This last Monday at work we were late leaving the job site so I took out my cell phone to call her and let her know I'd be late. I collapsed to a stair step, sobbing, when I realized what I was doing. The guys understood. The first Sunday I went to church after she died, I entered the sanctuary and looked for a seat. Timna always went in first while I parked and saved me a seat next to her. I had to leave and fell into a chair in the lobby from the pain of the loss. People ask me how I'm doing. I say, "OK," because I don't know what else to say. I'm not OK! I hurt. My feeble attempts at humor are empty because my sense of humor seems to have left with her. I don't really laugh. I cry. I know the reality of her presence with the Lord. There's peace in that. There was joy at the cemetery as we applauded her life and gave her a standing ovation. But the joy was fleet of wings when her day by day absence confronted me. I go through the motions. Get dressed, go to work, come home, make dinner, face the evenings and... I cry. I go to bed early to escape into sleep. But I wake up. I pray and get some relief but there's also the pain because Timna and I prayed together a lot. Queenie, the Quaker Parrot, provides me with some distraction but also with memories of Timna playing with her. I have little ambition. I take care of things that need taking care of but I can't seem to initiate doing things that aren't critical to get done. Last week I finally took down the autumn banners that Timna had put up. Christmas decorations just didn't seem important at all. I look all around the house and see things that should be done but I don't do them. I'm not living right now -- merely existing. A sad existence. I only recall three times in our thirty one years of marriage that Timna and I were apart more than a day. The longest separation was three days. Now it's been four weeks. It seems an eternity. Maybe writing this helps me to focus on things I need to do. I don't know how this can help anyone else. There's always the delete key. Thanks to all for being there for me, and for being patient. I know I'll come through this period OK, it's just hard right now. - Lee Peterman